the number 13

Disclaimer July 3, 2009

Hello there, my sexy little howler monkeys….

I’ve been blogging for years now and so I have learned me a few valuable lessons in cyber-life that have provoked me to add this little disclaimer to my blog.

My blog is my ADULT place. It is my tiny, little dot in existence where I get to hang loose. Clearly, I am a mother and I love my children very much. However, when I come here, I am not playing the role of “mother”… I am playing the role of “writer”. This means that I will express myself however I may choose to. There will be no baby-talk (unless done in quotations) and there will be no censoring. I spend the vast majority of my life censoring because I spend the vast majority of my life surrounded by children.

To put it bluntly, I like to hang loose at times. I like to bitch and vent and will curse like a motherfucker. This does not mean that I curse like a motherfucker at my kids, nor does my bitching about their weird behavior mean I do not love or care for them. What it means is that I am a human being with a somewhat abstract view of the world and I like to express those views. Here, at my blog, I will do and say whatever I feel like.

There are times when I might say “Matthew was being an asshole.” This does not mean that I hate Matthew or that I want to drown him in the bathtub. It does not mean that I told Matthew that he is an asshole. It means that Matthew was being an asshole and I shared it as such to my other adult friends in the confines of my adult place. Which is my blog.

There are times when I might say ” Owen and Olivia are fighting so much that I want to crack their skulls together.” This does not mean that I actually cracked their skulls together or expressed to them my very, very strong desire to do so.  It simply means that they were fighting so much that I wanted to crack their skulls together.

There are times when I might say “Whilst potty training, Emi smeared her shit all over my bathroom wall and, as punishment, I intend to feed her to the hungry lions I have living in my garage. That’ll teach her.” 


“I am going to ship every one of my children off to Korea to be sold into human slavery.”

C’mon. Clearly I have no hungry lions and clearly I cannot afford the packaging and shipping costs I would have in order to send my children to Korea (unless they paid me up front). Let’s get real.

The fact that I am writing this is telling you that, in the past, I received some very ugly emails from people who tell me that, as a mother, I shouldn’t swear so much and “clearly you hate your children if you are going to refer to them as assholes”. My response to this is to say, “Horseshit! ALL children are assholes! Not just mine!”

The bottom line is this:

I adore my family. My kids are my world and I have gone through hell and back with them and for them. There is NOTHING on this planet I wouldn’t do for them. Anyone who knows me in person knows this but I do understand how hard it can be to read someone through words on the internet.  This being stated, I do have an identity outside of being a mom and this is where I express a lot of that. My life is being a mother and so a lot of this blog is going to be stories and observations… some of it will be pretty and fluffy and some of it will have hints of the sordid truth: not everything about prarenting is pretty. There are times when your kids piss you off so badly that you want to kick their asses. There are times when you are so fed up that you just want to run away. Then, there are other times when your children stir something in you that just makes your heart jump. I’m not going to leave any of it out. The good, the bad and the downright disturbing… it’ll all be in here.

If you are offended by the way I say things then get over it. I am a writer. I use colorful words and might sometimes put a twist on situations for dramatic or comedic purposes. I have complete creative control of my life. This doesn’t mean that I lie or make things up… I simply write the way my mind sees and hears things…. very vividly.

I had a huge, dramatic argument with someone once that resulted in them calling me a horrible parent and me comparing myself to Bill Cosby or Roseanne Barr…. two people who made their careers off of the same principles. Life is funny/scary/sad/crazy.

My children are happy and well cared for. I know they love me dearly. When I am here I  am free to speak however I like and by the time they are ever able to read it, they will be old enough to discern between Mom’s writing and our actual life together. They are hugged often and I show them much respect and patience. I love them very, very much.

To the vast majority of you, this disclaimer was unnecessary but to the uptight assholes who breastfeed their kids until they hit puberty and take shit way too seriously, it’s quite called for.

Enjoy reading and if you don’t… well, you don’t have to.

On that note, I have to go beat some asses.



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