the number 13

There’s No Place Like Home March 12, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — numbr13 @ 9:03 pm


Yesterday on my lunch break from work, I was cruising through South Seattle on my way to this amazing Japanese Burger joint called Katsu Burger when I got the first brief, fleeting thought that I had become comfortable here. I was driving along E. Marginal Way which hosts the enormous Boeing Plant where some of the world’s biggest and most impressive airplanes are made. I was a little freaked out because my entire drive past the Boeing plant took me through about seventeen green lights. Why didn’t Seattle want to slow me down? I decided that was pretty cool and drove fifteen miles over the speed limit, got my burger and went back to work.

I moved here eight years ago from Texas, an awful place no one should ever be forced to live. The Army had brought us here and we were excited because everyone always talked about how badly they wanted this duty station so we assumed it must be pretty cool. I didn’t expect that my life journey was going to end here far differently than it began. I arrived married to one man in a militant environment of law and structure and now I’m married to another man and life couldn’t be more opposite. I never assumed that this would be “home”. Ever.

I’ve lived all over the place. Different states, different countries, different continents. Home for me has always been the Gulf Coast, no matter where we were actually residing. Born in the Midwest and raised in he south and then planted in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve seen every inch of this country.

The Gulf will always have my heart. To a degree, it will always be home to me… Critters and flying cockroaches and sweltering heat, humidity that sticks your clothing to your body in obnoxious ways, shrimp and crawdads and sand, sand, sand. At night you hear frogs and crickets. During the day people move slowly, speak slowly, tranquilized by the heat. People stop trying to grow grass on their lawns and the smell of salt in the air gives you what little energy you have. Every day at precisely three o’clock, the heat breaks with flashes of lightning in the sky, the Gulf being the lightning capital of the world. Three blocks up the road you can see the rain beating down in a fury, desperate to cool the world off for just fifteen minutes a day. Then, the sun breaks through a deep blue and purple sky and the outside feels like the inside of an oven again. Literally, an oven. It can take your breath away.

The Pacific Northwest is a different kind of place altogether after you’ve lived and loved the south. Up here it is energy and diversity. It is every place you could go to in one little corner of the US. Twilight fans flock to Forks to see where all those vampires and wolves lived dramatic lives. Forks here is nothing much more than beautiful rain forests. Yes, we have rain forests. We also have big metropolises, vast plains, mountains, volcanos, orchards, valleys, even a desert. In July you can go white water rafting on Saturday and snowboarding on Sunday. You can hit the beach or walk Seattle’s marketplace. Go fishing in the morning and to the museum after lunch.

All the clichés are true, you know.

You love trees and coffee here. We’re fiercely loyal to our football team and to our basketball team that we don’t even have here anymore. People wear sandals and recycle because they actually want to. Composting HAPPENS. Everyone has a fire pit and if you don’t own an ATV then you have a friend who owns an ATV. What is a “Hummer?” Why would anyone actually drive that?

Yes, it rains. A lot. You learn how to drive at 70 miles per hour on the freeway without actually being able to see the lines in the road because the rain blurs them as it bounces off the pavement. Nine months out of the year. I freakin’ love it. Good ol’ Washington sunshine.

We’re a fairly peaceful people up here. In fact, when bad things happen, you see a lot of running jokes about how “Seattle riots”. People rebel by wearing their sandals without socks, or *gasp* jaywalking. Marijuana is legal here and the world didn’t instantaneously implode. Meth is the big killer here. Meth should just die.

My state is home to some pretty big companies…. Boeing, Microsoft, Amazon, Starbucks, Nintendo, Nordstrom… and we love our music. Jimi Hendrix, Mackelmore, Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Sir Mix-a-lot… at the base of the Space Needle is the EMP, a music museum that is interactive and amazing. The Space Needle is the only thing in Seattle that I truly loathe.

The Space Needle sways.

I hate the Space Needle.

I like the way it looks, sort of like the Jetson’s posh apartments, but get me on the observation deck of that thing and you’re going to see someone go completely insane. The observation deck is about six feet wide and surely most of the people up there want to push me over the edge of it. The last time I was up there, security had to come deal with me because I had smashed myself up against a wall and was screaming at people. “Stay back! Don’t F***ing come near me! BACK, YOU MOTHERF***ERS!!!” I was a madwoman and will be one every single time I go up there, which is hopefully never, ever again.
It never dawned on me when I married my soul mate that I had just grown roots and that this was now my home. I had four children in four different places, three states and one other country but this…. this is where I built my family. This is where I gave that family to God, where I discovered who I am, where my strength comes from and what I can do with that strength. My body might have been squeezed out of a vagina in Ohio but this is where I was BORN.
Eight years and I finally found my place in the world. But, you’ll never get me to wear one of those god-awful Northface jackets. Nooooo, thank you.
Gotta run… my car needs to be charged and this coffee is going straight through me.
Night, y’all 🙂

Shame February 13, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — numbr13 @ 10:34 am

imagesG7VO2W01I’m sorry you had to see that, God. I’m sorry that you had to see me do that.

The closer I get to God, the more aware I am of the things I do that are displeasing. Words will come out of my mouth or I will put a simple verb into action and then suddenly I’m stuck…. I’m sorry, God. I’m ashamed. I’m so sorry you had to see that. I can imagine your head dropping. You eyes shutting. Your spirit sinking. I imagine you shaking your head. I love you Keira but what were you thinking?

I hate to break your heart.

All of this has an upside. In the past I would simply unleash myself on the world. I typically considered those around me and rarely did I ever want to hurt anyone although I have. Because I was in control and because I was the one that mattered, I had the ability to hurt without effort. I’m not dishonest enough to claim that this has been broken off  but I do believe it will be someday. I wonder sometimes if I will still be me, still be colorful and passionate and a little weird… but I know God will balance me and just make me a little better.

The shame I feel when I dishonor God is important because it helps me identify what I’m doing wrong. If I can say it and feel remorse then I’ll be aware of it before it happens and I’ll be able to prevent it. God is everywhere. He sees all. And, even though he  is enormously proud of me and loves me unconditionally I want to please him. I’m going to be praying on that an awful lot. But, I think the awareness he’s placing in me is a great start. You cannot fix what you don’t know. I want to let him fix me.

The Bible talks about the fruits of the spirit. I want good fruits… I want to bear good fruits and be someone approachable because I know God has a plan for my life and I know I need these to carry out his works.

But I feel ashamed at times. Then, I hear him tell me he forgives me and loves me anyways. And that is a miracle.


Writing is Therapy

Filed under: Uncategorized — numbr13 @ 12:21 am

I miss writing. I haven’t been in any of my blogs in so long and now I’m just all up on Facebook writing these six billion word posts. Twitter can’t handle me. They told me to stay away.  I wonder if I still remember how to blog. I certainly have no idea how I managed the thing… editing templates and inserting shit left and right. I’m old now so we’ll keep it simple.

I wonder how you upload a photo into this thing.


Oh. So that’s how. Alright then…

I really considered writing some big ass update but, really, the idea of doing that is freaking exhausting. Besides, anyone who reads this nonsense has probably been following me on Facebook and is fully aware of what my life is like. so, there’s probably no real need to recap and we can just move forward.

I have no intention of having any sort of theme to this thing. I write what I feel and since I feel nuts that’s what we’re gonna see here. I love my dysfunctional weird unstable amazing (yeah… there it is) family. It’s changed a bit since the last time I posted. In fact, I think I last posted in 2010 and that’s the year we added a new member to our family and a whole new adventure began. I’m gonna have to edit the profile up on this bitch.

As I so often do, I have gotten off track. Back to my intention to be random and manic on the internets.

I feel nuts…. yeah… so that’s what this will be. Some days it might be amusing observations or melodramatic outbursts or sincere musings… it might be a curse-filled tirade against some perceived injustice or it might be sappy declarations of love for God. A lot of the times it will be posts about my kids and the many, many ways they drive me crazy age me terribly send me into a meltdown bless and fulfill my life. Maybe this will regulate my Facebook posts into more appropriate tweets in 140 characters or less. But, I doubt it. I have enough mania for both.

If you’re reading… welcome and I’m sorry and grab your booze. If you feel compelled, you can leave comments and shit on my posts and we can build a deeply intimate and oftentimes entirely inappropriate relationship. If you’re easily offended then this is NOT the place for you. Move along and take that shit on over to iVillage. If you’re mean to me in the comments then I will cuss your ass out. Before anything else, I urge you to go up there to the tabs section and read my Disclaimer. Then, decide if you’re cool or if you’re an uptight asshole.

That is all. Good day to you.


Love Is In The Air September 26, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — numbr13 @ 9:31 pm

I have recently discovered that they key to any good relationship is to simply have pretend ones with people who are, for the most part, completely unaware that they are involved in one. To ensure the imaginary relationship remains healthy and intact, you must be willing to sacrifice your sanity your own selfish needs and replace them with the selfish needs of your better (although non-existant) half.

After ten years of a completely stupid and totally legit marriage that was a complete waste of my emotional efforts, I am pleased and proud to announce that I am in stable and productive relationships with three men at this current time of my life even if these relationships are merely a manifestation of my inner psychosis and not really honest relationships at all. And… I couldn’t be happier.

I decided that the best approach was to merely wander up to any random guy and announce that we were now married, briefly explain the rules of this commitment and then sit back and reap the rewards. The result is that I have taken three extraordinary men, all very different from one another, and built some sort of super-conglomerate of awesome husbandliness. I am sincerely the luckiest woman on the planet.

Husband #1 is my Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster is a 21 year old Mormon Missionary. I am not allowed to touch him, speak inappropriately to him (although I do anyways) and I am only ever allowed on a date with him if he is accompanied by three other guys. It’s pretty awesome. We pray together and laugh and when my lawn mower broke he came over while I was at work and not only fixed the motherfucker but he also mowed my grass for me like a manly-man. One of his friends fixed my porch light. Such good, wholesome boys. I adore Cookie Monster even though he’s a Republican. We tease each other all the time and affectionately refer to each other as “Uptight Republican Asshole” and “Communist Hippie”. It’s terribly romantic.

Hubster #2’s name is Joey and he works down at Hot Topic. I see him on my smoke breaks at work. He wears skinny jeans and has holes in his face but he’s magical in the way that he can be romantic even when we’re casually discussing midget sex. He smiles a lot. Here he is smiling:


Joey is an angel sent from Heaven. Technically, I suppose I could do him but I don’t want to move too fast. We’ve only been mall-married for a month or so and I don’t want the relationship getting boring too quickly. I’ll never forget the day Joey and I got mall-married… he was outside on a bench smoking and I had just emerged from Starbucks after acquiring a beverage. We had chatted many times before but this time our eyes met over that ashtray thingy on top of the garbage can and I just knew it was time to make things more permanant. So, I said, “Hey Joey, ya wanna mall marry me?” and he said, “Well, yeah.” and I said, “Okay, then we’re mall-married now.” and he said, “Cool.”

Then, we consumated the marriage with a cigarette and a Frappaccino. It was beautiful.

Fun story: One day, me and my boss went to go visit Mall Husband at work. I was feeling a bit overdramatic and decided that I should stir things up a bit so I walked in and loudly accused him of neglecting me and then burst into hysterical tears and exclaimed, “is it that you are wanting a mall DIVORCE????”

“God, NO!” he exclaimed looking terribly offended and near tears himself. I immediately felt satisfied and more secure in our relationship and left because I had to go, hoping to meet up with Brandon, husband #3.

Brandon works down in Loss Prevention and he is smokin’ hot. Ask anyone. He’s seriously THAT hot. We got married a couple of weeks ago and he is a lovely addition to my collection as he is definately the bad ass husband. Every day he has a black eye or some other affliction after engaging in violent activities that I wish to stay out of. He has agreed to show his deep adoration for me by provoking someone to say something complimentary about my breasts and then beating the shit out of them in my defense. I think this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever insisted they might do if they ever find themselves drunk and with nothing better to do. I’m so touched.

Brandon informed me that if I mall-cheat on him he’s going to go ape-shit crazy and scratch my eyeballs out. Awesome! I’m sincerely enjoying juggling him and Joey and Cookie Monster. I know each one will be jealous of the other, especially C.M. The other day my sweet, missionary Husband overheard me tell another guy that he has a great smile and he exclaimed out loud, “you whore!” It was great. Jealousy is fun.

This is why my imaginary marriages work so well. I get to control and invent every aspect of the madness. It’s all make believe and we all know it. Real marriages have real feelings that can get really hurt. My marriages involve whatever I want them to and I don’t have to really give a shit. If one screws up, I’ll simply replace him with someone else, such as the dude down at the T-Mobile kiosk or that hottie that works at Hollister and smells so good.

Only Cookie Monster has met my children and they are unaware of the depth of our imaginary and nonexistant feelings for one another. No one gets hurt. There’s no messy paperwork. And, I get to have fun. Win!

I know that you are all extremely jealous at this current time. But… this could be yours, too! All of you can acquire fake spouses that will make you just as happy as I am today, in this very moment. I know of a few people already who would be willing to fake marry you! Just the other day I got to oversee the faux nuptials of my boss, Tonya and Michael from the Hallmark Store and it was a blessed union, indeed! A mere hour after saying their vows Tonya was sweet enought to purchase Michael an anniversary card from his very store… granted he had to ring it up himself but it was only made all the more magical by such a personal gesture. It was so sweet!

I have decided that from now on, I shall be registering for gifts before each and every imaginary marriage. Only, the gifts have to be real. I’ll keep you all posted on this…. it may be coming soon. (Brad from Starbucks has recently found himself single once again and numbers have been exchanged.)

In other news, Monday I have to tell Joey that I’m pregant with his imaginary baby. He’s going to be stoked. We’ve been trying for so long.

Have to go now… another blissfull evening is occurring all around me and here I sit, blogging in my underwear. Time to imagine myself in a sexy dress out on the dancefloor with my sweetie.

Oh, look… he brought me flowers!