the number 13

Like, Totally. July 2, 2009

Filed under: Opinions — numbr13 @ 10:13 am



Decided it was acceptable to bring back the 80’s???

I couldn’t deal with the 80’s when I LIVED during the 80’s. Now, I am forced to re-live some kind of horrid, fashion nightmare all over again.

I remember wanting to vomit as my mother (the wretched shrew) plastered me with neon polk-a-dot patterns and, oh sweet Jesus… paint splatter prints. I remember wandering just why I was such a loser at school because I didn’t feel the need to tie up my ginormous day-glo off the shoulder t-shirt with a hot-pink scrunchie at the hip. I remember my feet sweating like a set of testicles as they were layered with many different colors of socks and then smooshed down. Why no one ever invented just one sock that had thick, horizontal stripes on it to be smooshed… I dunno. They would have made a fortune and my feet wouldn’t have looked like wrinkly old man feet at the end of every single fuckin’ day of the 1980’s.

I remember rocking a side ponytail during the earlier parts of the 80’s and then teasing my bangs into a mean “claw” towards the end.

I remember cursing my curly hair getting constantly tangled in my ridiculsously large, plastic hoop earrings. I remember wearing Zipper earrings that you could only get at Claire’s Boutiques. I remember not only tight rolling my jeans but my sleeves as well and, yes-YES!- I remember the leggings I wore underneath…. everything. And, of course, it was all neon and paint splatter and New Kids on the Block. Oh, my.

This monstrosity died in the 90’s with the onset of the flannel shirts and torn jeans only to be reborn right now, much to my complete horror. This… is not acceptable.

To make matters worse, I work at the mall so I have to be blinded by this nonsense all day long. It has an effect on me… the 80’s comeback can turn even the most classy lady into a complete dork (fun fact: a whales penis is called a Dork). Six months into my job at the mall I was suddenly overcome with this overwhelming need to not only purchase, but wear in public… skinny jeans.

This was a major red flag. I had been mind-controlled. I began avoiding actually entering the mall part of the mall and used back doors. I tried to hide from the 80’s all around me but it has become too much. Thankfully, I am over the skinny jean thing and recovering nicely from the whole endeavor but now I am obsessing over another ridiculous need: I feel that I must immediately purchase leggings and wear them underneath jean shorts.


I’m not leaving my house until this passes.

I’m terrified right now that I am the ONLY person on the planet who wants to gag over this horrible re-telling of a story that never should have been told in the first place. Surely, there are others out there who still, to this day, wish to kill their mother’s for dressing them in this nonsense? Surely there are others who’s toes were blackened by the “who’s tight-roll is tightest” contests? Surely, there are others out there -like me- who shake their heads and marvel at just how butt-fucking ugly everyone else on the planet is who are willingly going along with this madness?

It has to stop. I can’t take it any longer. And now I am terrified of the time when people bring back 2009 because to bring back 2009 will be to once again bring back the 80’s. GAG.

I refuse to wear four watches.
I refuse to wear jelly shoes.
Lace is not an acceptable trim for denim.
Leg warmers need only to be worn by ballerinas.
Jackson Pollack is NOT a clothing designer.
I refuse to draw a mole on my face with black eyeliner.
I will not wear neon animal prints.
I will not wear pleather.
I will not wear ginormous plastic belts.
I will not use a crimping iron.
I will not wear any jewelry made out of zippers, safety pins or telephone cords.
I will not wear a button up vest over a tshirt.
I will not cut sweatshirts off above the navel and off the shoulder and wear them over a onesie. With high-waisted jeanshorts over leggings with legwarmers and high-heeled boots.

Just thinking about this is making me want to barf. (the word barf first originated in the 1940’s which is NOT the 1980’s) I am wondering how long this (fad?) is going to last and when we as humans will get original and stop returning to places of the past to seek our fashion trends. Even space suits have been done (in the 80’s) so, really, if you think about it– we’re just fucked. The future of fashion is completely fucked right up the ass. We can’t even wear human flesh because that one was already made famous as well (albeit The Silence of the Lambs came out in 1991, naaaarrrroooowly missing the 80’s) Well, poo.

I think we should all just bring it back way old-skoo’ and just go neckid.

Whatcha think?