The closer I get to God, the more aware I am of the things I do that are displeasing. Words will come out of my mouth or I will put a simple verb into action and then suddenly I’m stuck…. I’m sorry, God. I’m ashamed. I’m so sorry you had to see that. I can imagine your head dropping. You eyes shutting. Your spirit sinking. I imagine you shaking your head. I love you Keira but what were you thinking?
I hate to break your heart.
All of this has an upside. In the past I would simply unleash myself on the world. I typically considered those around me and rarely did I ever want to hurt anyone although I have. Because I was in control and because I was the one that mattered, I had the ability to hurt without effort. I’m not dishonest enough to claim that this has been broken off but I do believe it will be someday. I wonder sometimes if I will still be me, still be colorful and passionate and a little weird… but I know God will balance me and just make me a little better.
The shame I feel when I dishonor God is important because it helps me identify what I’m doing wrong. If I can say it and feel remorse then I’ll be aware of it before it happens and I’ll be able to prevent it. God is everywhere. He sees all. And, even though he is enormously proud of me and loves me unconditionally I want to please him. I’m going to be praying on that an awful lot. But, I think the awareness he’s placing in me is a great start. You cannot fix what you don’t know. I want to let him fix me.
The Bible talks about the fruits of the spirit. I want good fruits… I want to bear good fruits and be someone approachable because I know God has a plan for my life and I know I need these to carry out his works.
But I feel ashamed at times. Then, I hear him tell me he forgives me and loves me anyways. And that is a miracle.