the number 13

Shame February 13, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — numbr13 @ 10:34 am

imagesG7VO2W01I’m sorry you had to see that, God. I’m sorry that you had to see me do that.

The closer I get to God, the more aware I am of the things I do that are displeasing. Words will come out of my mouth or I will put a simple verb into action and then suddenly I’m stuck…. I’m sorry, God. I’m ashamed. I’m so sorry you had to see that. I can imagine your head dropping. You eyes shutting. Your spirit sinking. I imagine you shaking your head. I love you Keira but what were you thinking?

I hate to break your heart.

All of this has an upside. In the past I would simply unleash myself on the world. I typically considered those around me and rarely did I ever want to hurt anyone although I have. Because I was in control and because I was the one that mattered, I had the ability to hurt without effort. I’m not dishonest enough to claim that this has been broken off  but I do believe it will be someday. I wonder sometimes if I will still be me, still be colorful and passionate and a little weird… but I know God will balance me and just make me a little better.

The shame I feel when I dishonor God is important because it helps me identify what I’m doing wrong. If I can say it and feel remorse then I’ll be aware of it before it happens and I’ll be able to prevent it. God is everywhere. He sees all. And, even though he  is enormously proud of me and loves me unconditionally I want to please him. I’m going to be praying on that an awful lot. But, I think the awareness he’s placing in me is a great start. You cannot fix what you don’t know. I want to let him fix me.

The Bible talks about the fruits of the spirit. I want good fruits… I want to bear good fruits and be someone approachable because I know God has a plan for my life and I know I need these to carry out his works.

But I feel ashamed at times. Then, I hear him tell me he forgives me and loves me anyways. And that is a miracle.

 

Writing is Therapy

Filed under: Uncategorized — numbr13 @ 12:21 am

I miss writing. I haven’t been in any of my blogs in so long and now I’m just all up on Facebook writing these six billion word posts. Twitter can’t handle me. They told me to stay away.  I wonder if I still remember how to blog. I certainly have no idea how I managed the thing… editing templates and inserting shit left and right. I’m old now so we’ll keep it simple.

I wonder how you upload a photo into this thing.

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Oh. So that’s how. Alright then…

I really considered writing some big ass update but, really, the idea of doing that is freaking exhausting. Besides, anyone who reads this nonsense has probably been following me on Facebook and is fully aware of what my life is like. so, there’s probably no real need to recap and we can just move forward.

I have no intention of having any sort of theme to this thing. I write what I feel and since I feel nuts that’s what we’re gonna see here. I love my dysfunctional weird unstable amazing (yeah… there it is) family. It’s changed a bit since the last time I posted. In fact, I think I last posted in 2010 and that’s the year we added a new member to our family and a whole new adventure began. I’m gonna have to edit the profile up on this bitch.

As I so often do, I have gotten off track. Back to my intention to be random and manic on the internets.

I feel nuts…. yeah… so that’s what this will be. Some days it might be amusing observations or melodramatic outbursts or sincere musings… it might be a curse-filled tirade against some perceived injustice or it might be sappy declarations of love for God. A lot of the times it will be posts about my kids and the many, many ways they drive me crazy age me terribly send me into a meltdown bless and fulfill my life. Maybe this will regulate my Facebook posts into more appropriate tweets in 140 characters or less. But, I doubt it. I have enough mania for both.

If you’re reading… welcome and I’m sorry and grab your booze. If you feel compelled, you can leave comments and shit on my posts and we can build a deeply intimate and oftentimes entirely inappropriate relationship. If you’re easily offended then this is NOT the place for you. Move along and take that shit on over to iVillage. If you’re mean to me in the comments then I will cuss your ass out. Before anything else, I urge you to go up there to the tabs section and read my Disclaimer. Then, decide if you’re cool or if you’re an uptight asshole.

That is all. Good day to you.