the number 13

Cake Diet February 1, 2010

Filed under: Eat Me,Tales of the Weird — numbr13 @ 10:54 pm

I am going to eat this fucking cake.

Yesssssss. The cake.

As I sit here waiting for a movie I have illegally downloaded to finish illegally downloading, I am staring at a chocolate cake thinking that I simply shouldn’t eat the thing but knowing I’m going to anyway. I have zero self-control when it comes to matters of cake and coffee and such. None whatsoever.

The southern roots I have invented for myself require that I eat a lot of things that are dipped in batter, deep fried and then slopped in either real butter or a healthy dose of mayonnaise. I am fully aware that this is going to give me a heart attack and, more obviously, make me huge. I’m usually quite okay with this up until the point where I actually see myself in a mirror and then I flip right the fuck out.

I’m a genius. I just want you to know this because I know it and it is because of my status as an √©lite intellectual that my first thoughts when I discover my huge-ness are to find the problem areas and then come up with a reasonable solution.

I am giving up the fancy, fattening coffee and am replacing it with this chocolate cake here.

Before you start to worry that I might go withering away or that I might have developed some sort of risky eating disorder stemming from intense, underlying social issue or a more politically acceptable Daddy complex I want to place your weary minds at ease and tell you that this cake has icing on it. Gobs of it. Just shitloads. I have even added extra icing to make up for the lack of flavored creamers I might normally indulge in. So… all is safe.

For the record, I have no inclination to puke this cake up once I’m finished annihilating it. It will stay safely tucked up in my intestinals until my morning coffee forces it out of my body. Did I just say “coffee”?

Because I meant bottled water.

Do you like bottled water? I can’t stand the shit. Honestly, I cannot muster up a desire for the ghastly junk. Perhaps if it were deep friend or slathered in mayo then I’d give it a spin across the dance floor. Bottled water. Yech. I tend to prefer my water with a teensy bit of high fructose corn syrup in it. Maybe add a little squeeze of synthetic coloring. Perhaps a splash of carbonation. Littttttle bit of cherry flavoring. That’s a mighty fine tasting water right there.

Maybe I might even add some extra water to my water, say… some smallish, frozen chunks one might nibble on?

And some grenadine.

I’m gonna get skinny quicker n’ shit, I tell ya.

Watch out, world.