So, tonight was our annual sit-down to carefully compose our letters to Santa, a longstanding tradition that usually involves a load of lies and horseshit about excellent behavior mixed in with a cocktail of flattery and begging for the fat man to bring them junk the fat man cannot afford. It’s always a fun and enlightening experience that causes me many chest pains and a moderate amount of giggles.
Matt writes his own. Last year’s letter was so grand that when I accidentally left it out on my counter at work, my boss found it and cried from laughter. It had one piece of extraordinarily expensive technology on it after another with a finale that included a request for world peace. World-freakin-peace. Nice one, Matt. Even the optimistic, red-suited fat ass wouldn’t fall for that nonsense.
Owen and Olivia dictate their letters to me and I sort of attempt to make them understandable to some degree. I try to stick to what they say but at times I find myself having to edit things out because both of them seems to forget at times that they aren’t actually talking to Santa, that he is not in the room, and that he is unable to see them gesturing frantically as they say, “You know the one…. it’s about yaaaaay big and sort of the color of that shirt over there….”. Yup. Literary damage control.
This year, I decided that these letters to Santa are blog-worthy and that in order to truly humiliate them on a larger scale than wedding slide shows as adults, that I must preserve such nonsense via the internets. Thus, I give you…. my children’s letters to Santa.
I am going to tell you a little about what I want for Christmas this year and about how I have been this year. Also, how I have not been if you’re doing this whole thing from that direction.
Now, I am going to tell you about how I have been this year. So far, I haven’t been all that great. I can admit this which I think adds a little something that you should consider about my character. Although I haven’t really behaved or anything, I am working pretty hard most of the time to do better. I think that if I keep this up I won’t have any coal in my stocking. I heard once that coal is really reindeer poop and I would like to know if this is true. But before you answer that, I want to make sure that your answer isn’t going to be considered one of my gifts and knock something else off my list sort of like when genies trick people with their wishes because if that’s the case then forget it. I don’t need to know that bad.
Now that we’ve gone through all of that stuff about me not really behaving but working hard to do it, here is a list of ten things I’d like for Christmas:
-Star Wars Force Unleashed Sith Edition
-Lego Star Wars Ship with Darth Vader Apprentice.
-Lego Star Wars Darth Maul set.
-A Nintendo DS. Mom says I can’t have a DSi because I lost my other one so I’ll just take the DS.
-Pokemon Platinum for DS.
-A pair of Vans.
-Pokemon Platinum Arceos.
-Pokemon Explorers of the Sky
-$50 gift card to Toys R Us. smaaaaaart.
-I ask for, last but not least, I want mom to have a great day and not get frustrated.
My name is Owen and I am six years old. I have been very nice this year but only to my brother and sisters and to my friends. Okay, so some of the time. I was kind of good at school. Do you talk to teachers because my teacher tells lies and maybe you shouldn’t talk to her about this stuff. Actually, I don’t have a teacher. I was just kidding.
Santa, what do you think you could bring me? Do you think you could bring me some presents, please? I would really like it if you brought me:
-a new bike because Zach slashed my tires on mine.
-A PSP with Tony Hawk games because I really do like skateboarding.
-Oh yeah, a new skateboard because Joey and Jose stole mine and drew on it and took my trucks and broke it.
-a racetrack and car set.
-a helmet and pads for the skateboard because if I hit my head I won’t be able to do math anymore. Okay, maybe I don’t need that helmet for real. But maybe you should get it anyways because mom will want it and I can always carry it anyways.
-Spongebob Legos. I sure do miss Spongebob.
-Cable so I can watch Spongebob.
-a Spin To Win game because mom has one at work and I think it sounds fun.
-The Transformers 2 movie unless mom can illegally download one for me. Let me check with her first before you make me one.
-Star Wars lightsabers for my Wii-motes because that would be awesome.
Thank you, Santa!
I am Olivia and I am four years old. I love you Santa and I miss you very much and I think you will like our Christmas tree very much. It is very pretty but Owen stuck Pokemon cards in it and you might get mad. Please know that that wasn’t me but Owen. It was Owen. Not Olivia.
I have been very good this year and my mom hasn’t had to spank me at all like whenever she tells me it’s time to go to bed and I do it. Santa, I would really like it if you brought me some presents and not coal. Last weekend I was bad but it wasn’t really anything too terrible so we can just not really remember that when you’re bringing me presents. It was only a little bit bad anyways. Ever since then I’ve been being good so I would really like it if you could bring me:
– a watch that is pink or purple.
-A Nintendo DS because I have never had my own like my brothers have and I won’t break it like they did so don’t get them one.
-A new Disney Princess Laptop but not a real one, I want the toy one.
-Some new painting stuff because my mommy likes to frame them and hang them on the walls if I paint them for her.
-a painting easles and some smocks to wear to keep my clothes clean.
-a bingo game.
-a kitten. I just love kittens and I want a white, fluffy one with a smushy face and I’ll just love her so much and sleep with her and kiss her and brush her and take good care of her.
-some new books with princesses and knights and princes and goblins and stuff.
-posters for my bedroom like Hannah Montana and Tinkerbell and some pretty ones.
-a new bed set where the pillows match the blanket and there is that ruffly thing so you can’t see under the bed and I want them all to be pretty and go with each other and be cute with my posters.
Goodbye Santa. I hope to see you soon and I love you and I want to give you a hug and I will pray for you that you don’t catch a cold because it has gotten very cold outside and Bella is sick, too.
My name is Emi and I am two years old. Santa. Ummmm. Bike. Ummmm. A monkey. Ummmm. Bunny. Bunk bed! Big girl bed! Ummmm. Go to bed. Ummmm. Monkey. A ducky! Ummmm. Red. Ummmm. Bunny. Santa. Yeah, red. Ummmm. Bunny. Ummmm. Toys. Babydoll with um baby bottle. Ummmmm. A baby blankie. I want a blankie for my baby. Yep. For my baby. My baby. A blankie. Yeah. I tell Santa.
I have taken their lists and will be making photocopies of them… for their scrapbooks, for me to giggle at over the years and a set so they can mail them to the North Pole.
I love watching them get excited… their eyes glitter. It makes me wonder how they’re going to react when they find out that their only parent has to work on Christmas Eve.
Hopefully, these letters make it to the North Pole… if so, all will be forgotten come Christmas morning 🙂