I have recently discovered that they key to any good relationship is to simply have pretend ones with people who are, for the most part, completely unaware that they are involved in one. To ensure the imaginary relationship remains healthy and intact, you must be willing to sacrifice
your sanity your own selfish needs and replace them with the selfish needs of your better (although non-existant) half.
After ten years of a completely stupid and totally legit marriage that was a complete waste of my emotional efforts, I am pleased and proud to announce that I am in stable and productive relationships with three men at this current time of my life even if these relationships are merely a manifestation of my inner psychosis and not really honest relationships at all. And… I couldn’t be happier.
I decided that the best approach was to merely wander up to any random guy and announce that we were now married, briefly explain the rules of this commitment and then sit back and reap the rewards. The result is that I have taken three extraordinary men, all very different from one another, and built some sort of super-conglomerate of awesome husbandliness. I am sincerely the luckiest woman on the planet.
Husband #1 is my Cookie Monster. Cookie Monster is a 21 year old Mormon Missionary. I am not allowed to touch him, speak inappropriately to him (although I do anyways) and I am only ever allowed on a date with him if he is accompanied by three other guys. It’s pretty awesome. We pray together and laugh and when my lawn mower broke he came over while I was at work and not only fixed the motherfucker but he also mowed my grass for me like a manly-man. One of his friends fixed my porch light. Such good, wholesome boys. I adore Cookie Monster even though he’s a Republican. We tease each other all the time and affectionately refer to each other as “Uptight Republican Asshole” and “Communist Hippie”. It’s terribly romantic.
Hubster #2’s name is Joey and he works down at Hot Topic. I see him on my smoke breaks at work. He wears skinny jeans and has holes in his face but he’s magical in the way that he can be romantic even when we’re casually discussing midget sex. He smiles a lot. Here he is smiling:
Joey is an angel sent from Heaven. Technically, I suppose I could do him but I don’t want to move too fast. We’ve only been mall-married for a month or so and I don’t want the relationship getting boring too quickly. I’ll never forget the day Joey and I got mall-married… he was outside on a bench smoking and I had just emerged from Starbucks after acquiring a beverage. We had chatted many times before but this time our eyes met over that ashtray thingy on top of the garbage can and I just knew it was time to make things more permanant. So, I said, “Hey Joey, ya wanna mall marry me?” and he said, “Well, yeah.” and I said, “Okay, then we’re mall-married now.” and he said, “Cool.”
Then, we consumated the marriage with a cigarette and a Frappaccino. It was beautiful.
Fun story: One day, me and my boss went to go visit Mall Husband at work. I was feeling a bit overdramatic and decided that I should stir things up a bit so I walked in and loudly accused him of neglecting me and then burst into hysterical tears and exclaimed, “is it that you are wanting a mall DIVORCE????”
“God, NO!” he exclaimed looking terribly offended and near tears himself. I immediately felt satisfied and more secure in our relationship and left because I had to go, hoping to meet up with Brandon, husband #3.
Brandon works down in Loss Prevention and he is smokin’ hot. Ask anyone. He’s seriously THAT hot. We got married a couple of weeks ago and he is a lovely addition to my collection as he is definately the bad ass husband. Every day he has a black eye or some other affliction after engaging in violent activities that I wish to stay out of. He has agreed to show his deep adoration for me by provoking someone to say something complimentary about my breasts and then beating the shit out of them in my defense. I think this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever insisted they might do if they ever find themselves drunk and with nothing better to do. I’m so touched.
Brandon informed me that if I mall-cheat on him he’s going to go ape-shit crazy and scratch my eyeballs out. Awesome! I’m sincerely enjoying juggling him and Joey and Cookie Monster. I know each one will be jealous of the other, especially C.M. The other day my sweet, missionary Husband overheard me tell another guy that he has a great smile and he exclaimed out loud, “you whore!” It was great. Jealousy is fun.
This is why my imaginary marriages work so well. I get to control and invent every aspect of the madness. It’s all make believe and we all know it. Real marriages have real feelings that can get really hurt. My marriages involve whatever I want them to and I don’t have to really give a shit. If one screws up, I’ll simply replace him with someone else, such as the dude down at the T-Mobile kiosk or that hottie that works at Hollister and smells so good.
Only Cookie Monster has met my children and they are unaware of the depth of our imaginary and nonexistant feelings for one another. No one gets hurt. There’s no messy paperwork. And, I get to have fun. Win!
I know that you are all extremely jealous at this current time. But… this could be yours, too! All of you can acquire fake spouses that will make you just as happy as I am today, in this very moment. I know of a few people already who would be willing to fake marry you! Just the other day I got to oversee the faux nuptials of my boss, Tonya and Michael from the Hallmark Store and it was a blessed union, indeed! A mere hour after saying their vows Tonya was sweet enought to purchase Michael an anniversary card from his very store… granted he had to ring it up himself but it was only made all the more magical by such a personal gesture. It was so sweet!
I have decided that from now on, I shall be registering for gifts before each and every imaginary marriage. Only, the gifts have to be real. I’ll keep you all posted on this…. it may be coming soon. (Brad from Starbucks has recently found himself single once again and numbers have been exchanged.)
In other news, Monday I have to tell Joey that I’m pregant with his imaginary baby. He’s going to be stoked. We’ve been trying for so long.
Have to go now… another blissfull evening is occurring all around me and here I sit, blogging in my underwear. Time to imagine myself in a sexy dress out on the dancefloor with my sweetie.
Oh, look… he brought me flowers!